God’s Guilt Trip
A Lenten Sermon by Brent J. Eelman
Abington Presbyterian Church
March 9, 2008

John 11: 17-45
When Jesus arrived, he found that Lazarus had already been in the tomb for four days. ¹⁸Now Bethany was near Jerusalem, some two miles away, ¹⁹and many of the Jews had come to Martha and Mary to console them about their brother. ²⁰When Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went and met him, while Mary stayed at home. ²¹Martha said to Jesus, ‘Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died. ²²But even now I know that God will give you whatever you ask of him.’ ²³Jesus said to her, ‘Your brother will rise again.’ ²⁴Martha said to him, ‘I know that he will rise again in the resurrection on the last day.’ ²⁵Jesus said to her, ‘I am the resurrection and the life. Those who believe in me, even though they die, will live, ²⁶and everyone who lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?’ ²⁷She said to him, ‘Yes, Lord, I believe that you are the Messiah, the Son of God, the one coming into the world.’
        28 When she had said this, she went back and called her sister Mary, and told her privately, ‘The Teacher is here and is calling for you.’ ²⁹And when she heard it, she got up quickly and went to him. ³⁰Now Jesus had not yet come to the village, but was still at the place where Martha had met him. ³¹The Jews who were with her in the house, consoling her, saw Mary get up quickly and go out. They followed her because they thought that she was going to the tomb to weep there. ³²When Mary came where Jesus was and saw him, she knelt at his feet and said to him, ‘Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.’ ³³When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her also weeping, he was greatly disturbed in spirit and deeply moved. ³⁴He said, ‘Where have you laid him?’ They said to him, ‘Lord, come and see.’ ³⁵Jesus began to weep. ³⁶So the Jews said, ‘See how he loved him!’ ³⁷But some of them said, ‘Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?’
        38 Then Jesus, again greatly disturbed, came to the tomb. It was a cave, and a stone was lying against it. ³⁹Jesus said, ‘Take away the stone.’ Martha, the sister of the dead man, said to him, ‘Lord, already there is a stench because he has been dead for four days.’ ⁴⁰Jesus said to her, ‘Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?’ ⁴¹So they took away the stone. And Jesus looked upwards and said, ‘Father, I thank you for having heard me. ⁴²I knew that you always hear me, but I have said this for the sake of the crowd standing here, so that they may believe that you sent me.’ ⁴³When he had said this, he cried with a loud voice, ‘Lazarus, come out!’ ⁴⁴The dead man came out, his hands and feet bound with strips of cloth, and his face wrapped in a cloth. Jesus said to them, ‘Unbind him, and let him go.’
        45 Many of the Jews therefore, who had come with Mary and had seen what Jesus did, believed in him.* 

There is the story of the man who calls his mother in Florida.  "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son says, "Why are you so weak?"
She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.

One of the things that we human beings master is the “guilt trip”. A guilt trip is the innate ability, often perfected in parenthood that is directed at a person, (often a friend or family member), with the purpose of making that individual feel small, guilty and ashamed. Sending someone on a guilt trip is an art and some people are quite accomplished at it. For example: One of the very effective guilt creating techniques is to enable the person to feel what you are feeling in such a manner that he or she feels victimized. Like: “How could you do this to me?” or “What were you thinking?” A more subtle way is to say something like: “How did all of this come about?” and then of course there is the old stand-by “What did I do to deserve this?” The real pros at guilt trips do not let up until an apology comes forth. If one can draw tears, it is really effective. One of the very subtle and effective guilt producing expressions is to begin a sentence with “if only”. “If only you would have studied harder.” “If only you took your time.” “If only you didn’t drive so quickly.” “If only…”

I

This guilt producing phrase finds its way into the story of the raising of Lazarus. The story began with Lazarus, a dear friend of Jesus, becoming very ill. In spite of this illness, Jesus planned to be away for while, much to the surprise of his disciples and Lazarus’ family. While Jesus was away, Lazarus died. Jesus returned four days after Lazarus died and was met on the outskirts of town by Martha. What were the first words out of Martha’s mouth when she saw Jesus? “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” “If only you had been here!” This is the kitchen sink approach to guilt inducement! “Everything that happened was because you were not here.” “My brother would not have died if you were here.” We can add a few other statements to that: “Jesus, what were you thinking when you went away while he was sick?” or “What did we do to deserve this?” or the big one: “You don’t care, do you?” … “If only you had been here, my brother would not have died.”

But these are not merely the words of Martha. When Mary sees Jesus, what does she say? The same thing! “If only you were here… he would not have died.” This is a guilt trip that Mary and Martha laid on Jesus. From our perspective, it might seem silly and the logic convoluted. Lazarus died because Jesus was away? But this is an all to human sentiment, and often it is on our lips.

One of the things that I often deal with at the time of death are the guilt trips that family members bestow on others and themselves. I call it the “woulda, coulda, shoulda,” syndrome. “If only I woulda been a better son.” “I coulda done more to help.” “You shoulda seen your mother more when she was ill.” We lay these guilt trips on others and ourselves. They are built upon the perverse logic of regret… that somehow history would be different if we behaved differently. They always look backwards and try to find a reason or cause… something that happened or didn’t happen that can take the blame. “If only I had done….”

Most of us are pretty effective with the “if only” syndrome. We use it on others and we use it on ourselves. Like Mary and Martha, we also try and lay this one on God. There are different versions, but most of them boil down to one of these: “If there really was a God… this would not have happened.” Or “Where was God when this was going on?” These are the questions that belie a crisis of immature faith. Mary and Martha thought that Jesus would be there for them, but he was away. We believe that God will protect us and care for us and keep us from all types of harm, and then something happens. God is supposed to be there for us…what happened? There are times in our lives when God seems distant, on a trip if you will, just as Jesus was traveling with his disciples.

The lives of the great saints, the women and men of church history often contain stories of God’s absence. Mother Theresa spoke these words when she received her Nobel prize in 1979: "Christ in our hearts, Christ in the poor we meet, Christ in the smile we give and in the smile that we receive." Christ, she exclaimed, could be seen everywhere. Yet only 11 weeks prior to that statement she wrote about the absence of God to the Rev. Michael van der Peet: "Jesus has a very special love for you," but as for me, the silence and the emptiness is so great, that I look and do not see, — Listen and do not hear."

Mary and Martha experienced the absence of Christ, God incarnate. He was not there when there brother died. On the one hand they were making an amazing affirmation of faith: Christ can change things for the better and has power over illness and death. But that affirmation was quickly twisted into blame, “but he wasn’t here.” There are times in our lives when the silence and the distance of God are more than we can handle…. And we cry with Martha and Mary, “If only you were here…”

II

Jesus did not accept their guilt trip. Lazarus did not die, because Jesus was away. If Jesus was present, there is no evidence that Lazarus would not have died. This is the strange logic of guilt. Somehow our current situation would be different, if history was changed. Perhaps. But most importantly, Jesus points out the uselessness of this guilt provoking thinking, because it looks backwards instead of to the future. Jesus told Mary and Martha, and he tells us today, that you can’t change the past. “If only” makes sense if we had the ability to back up time and change how we responded or something that we did, but we can’t, and so it is absolutely useless and destructive to dwell on what “might have happened”… “if only.”

Jesus answer is incredibly forward looking. The only dimension of history that we can influence is the future. “Lazarus will rise.”

We spend a lot of time pondering the past and what we might have done or should have done or could have done. Often we get our righteous indignation up and start throwing the guilt-bombs… “if only you were here.” “What did I do to deserve this?” “Do you know how you make me feel.” “If only you did this.” We can learn from our history. That is why we study it. But we shouldn’t get stuck bemoaning our past..

III

The gospel acknowledges the past, but it always anticipates the future and it does so with hope. Nothing keeps us more stuck than the guilt we bestow on others and ourselves.

Jesus response to Lazarus’ death was the power of the resurrection. The resurrection is the power of life over death. The resurrection is the power of hope over despair. It does not dwell on what might have happened, or what should have happened…rather it anticipates what will happen.

The season of Lent is a time when we are called to examine ourselves and we live our lives. Our self examination can become a trap of despair if we clothe ourselves in guilt. We can get caught up in “shoulda, coulda, woulda’s” or the “if only’s”

We will not find the power of Christ in our guilt or in the guilt of others… we will find it in the power of the resurrection. The resurrection is future oriented, and it has the power to obliterate the guilt of the past. This is the good news. Amen.

*The New Revised Standard Version Bible, (Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson Publishers) 1989.

Abington Presbyterian Church, Abington, Pennsylvania,  www.apcusa.org